In a former life, I was a dancer. I love movement and feel such joy from moving to music. For years now, I have desperately wanted to return to it. I have even looked up a variety of opportunities, only to fall short of my goal. What stopped me you ask? Everything, nothing, and everything in between; I could make an excuse out of anything.
This week, I finally bit the bullet and decided I would not let my insecurities take over and rule the day. I found a class and took it before I had a chance to make excuses, and then went back for day two. Sometimes Nike’s “just do it” motto fits the bill, while other times require nurturing and gentle encouragement to create movement. I needed a heavy dose of both!
The funny thing was, I fully expected to start the class with same ability I had twenty years ago. I quickly realized the years of army training, child birth, and must see sitcoms have had a tremendous impact on my life…and it was easy to see the impact was not just emotionally.
As I sat in a Zumba class, I could feel the stiffness in my bones and muscles… I have danced in recent years, but not with the level of commitment I brought to this class. I had not done this movement for years, yet my memory of it was clear.
I allowed myself to ease into the class and really feel the music. Then it hit me, the familiar feeling of judgment. Am I doing this right? Do I look like a fool? What if I mess up will I look silly? Will people laugh? Does this inner monologue ever happen to you?
Judgment is a big part of why I hadn’t returned to a class for a long time. The inner monologue wreaked havoc on my psyche and discouraged me from trying. It convinced me that I would feel the heavy eyes of judgment that told me I did not measure up.
The minute the movement started, I felt the eyes of judgment on me. I watched the mirror intently to see how silly I looked and if I looked somehow out of place. I couldn’t bear to look at the eyes on me, so I focused on my own movements. What I noticed was I was too busy judging myself to feel or be judged by someone else. I was not paying attention to how the others were moving; I was not judging them… They all looked great. I was, however, criticizing each movement and motion, constantly comparing my current self with my much younger self.
The reality was no one judged my movements, I’m not even sure anyone noticed my movements. The heavy eyes of judgment came from inside, not outside myself. Somewhere during the class it occurred to me that instead of judging my movement ability against my younger self, I needed to celebrate each step I am taking toward my goal to move again. It gave me just enough encouragement to return to class the next day!
Your turn:
- How does your self-judgment stand in your way?
- Why goals do you start to achieve and then stop? What is the thought that stops you? What is the thought below that?
- What step can you take today to create movement toward your goal?
