I am aware of my fear, I am aware that it is consuming me these days. I am trying desperately to not give it food, to not acknowledge it is as pervasive as it is. I keep reminding myself that I must be strong, it is expected.
However, ever since our friend died, I have not been able to stuff these feelings away. It has hovered over me, lingered in the corner like a dark secret waiting for just the right moment to exploit me. I am not ok with it. I am not ok with my husband heading off to war. I am not ok with acting as though I am ok with it.
I hear it all around…chin up, look on the bright side, there is always tomorrow, it will get better, be grateful for what you have! Funny thing is, I can be grateful, I can see the positives and there are plenty…and I want to be sad. I want to feel safe enough to know I don’t always have to have it together; that in this moment, or for this entire week, things aren’t awesome, and I don’t have to pretend that they are.
I really want to just be sad with someone. Everyone says that it I need better support for myself and I know this to be true. How do I construct best friends? How do I construct someone with compassion and willingness to allow me to cry? Where are those people who allow me to be sad, scared, and not ok with all of this? Those who simply listen, hold my hand, and offer that safe space.
I don’t want to live there. I don’t want the negative to overtake my life. I don’t want to be fixed, or challenged, or redirected away from my pain and frustration. I want to know that it is ok to have these days, to feel this way. To want to lie in bed all day and not get anything accomplished. I want to be reminded that this is a form of self care. Not taking any action can be self care too, but I need to hear it. I need to have a safe place to feel it. No judgment, no requirements, and no pity.
I have one person I can go to about these deepest and darkest moments. My husband is there for me and allows me the space to just sit with it for a while. He has learned, over many years, how to sit with me and let me feel the feelings without trying to fix things (although it is still quite hard for him). With him going away, where do I go?
I feel so disconnected from the world, from people. I don’t want to explain why I feel this way, I just want to feel it, express it, and have that in itself be ok. I’m angry, I’m sad, and I’m exhausted from trying to hide it. I am also grateful, happy, and excited about the prospects in my life. I find I am judging myself on how I am handling all these emotions. I am disappointed that I don’t feel safe enough to just break down. I am also disappointed that I feel I need to. How am I supposed to find balance here?
What is it about us that makes sadness unacceptable? What requires that we always try to help or fix things, rather than just being there to hold someone’s hand? Why is it always necessary to find a solution, learn how to cope, or “snap out of it”?
Is it ok, just to be me? Today it is!
So, I declare…today, I am full of emotion, struggling with how to make it through the fear and anxiety of all the positive things that are happening in my life. I expected the excitement to overwhelm me in such a positive way. I was not prepared for the feeling of terror that also accompanied such joy. It is ok for me to feel both happy and overwhelmed, both courageous and fearful. This is where I am, and it is ok. I will get the most important things done on time. I will nourish myself and my loved ones enough to make it through the sad and scary days. And by allowing myself the time to feel these emotions without trying to “fix” them or change them, I will find my way back to the positive space where I want to reside.
I know that I will venture through this swamp again…however, now I know that trying to avoid the water is pointless. Simply wear thigh high boots and walk right through the water, feeling the squish and squash of the earth as it moves beneath my feet. I can feel it…AND I am safe. I am not happy to be here in the swamp, but I am thrilled with where it is leading me. I will take the time to enjoy this part of the journey as well, without regret or self judgment.
